Two gardaí are walking down the road and they find a penguin. They take the penguin back to the station and ask the sargent what they should do. "Take it to the zoo," says the sargent. The next day, the sargent sees the two gardaí walking around with the penguin. Angry, he says, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo yesterday We did," said one garda, "Today we're taking him to the movies."

Why do the gardai patrol with dogs? Because two heads are better than one.

There are five gardaí in a boat in the middle of a lake. It capsizes suddenly and all on-board drown. How many gardaí are killed? Ten, five in the accident and five during the reconstruction.

The garda commissioner died and is being buried. At the funeral, all his men file past and drop flowers into the grave. Suddenly, there is a loud thud and everybody looks back. Sheepishly, one of the gardaí admits, "Well, they didn't have any more flowers so I brought a box of chocolates."

A garda is standing on a footpath, staring at passers-by, swinging his truncheon, when he says: "I wish I was on a tropical beach somewhere!" He suddenly finds himself on a beach. "Amazing," he says, "I also wish I had a beautiful woman to keep me company." A bikini-clad fashion model appears next to him. "Great," he says, "I also wish I had lots of money and a job with no responsibility." He suddenly finds himself on a footpath, staring at passers-by and swinging his truncheon.

The Dalai Lama, Osama Bin Laden and Gerry Adams are saying their prayers at bed time. The Dalai Lama asks God: "Will the protests against China bring about the Freedom of Tibet?" "Yes," answers God, "in fifty years time." The Dalai Lama is very sad that his people must wait such a long time. Osama Bin Laden asks God: "Will the Jihad bring about the defeat of American Imperialism?" "Yes," answers God, "in a hundred years time." Bin Laden is very sad that his people must wait such a long time. Gerry Adams asks God: "Will the Good Friday Agreement bring about a United Ireland?" "Yes," answers God, "but not in my lifetime."

Martin McGuinness is suffering of insomnia. He goes to his doctor and complains. McGuinness: "I cannot sleep, no matter what I do! What should I do?" Doctor: "Try reading your own speeches"

What's the most permanent feature of the Stormont Assembly? Temporary instability.

Whats the difference between Provo negotiators and British negotiators? Provo negotiators are there to sell everything and British negotiators are there to buy everything.

Gerry Adams visited a PSNI station and was photographed there for next week's An Phoblacht. In the editor's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture: "Sinn Féin President among the PSNI," "Sinn Féin President and PSNI," "PSNI around Sinn Féin President," -- all are rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - Sinn Féin President."

Gerry Adams summoned the editor of the Andersonstown News and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent." "Why?" "I am the leader of Irish Republicanism and of the historic Sinn Féin party, after all." "No, I've not told anybody this joke."

Gerry and Martin are at the Castle restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Gerry says. The waiter nods and asks, "And the vegetable?" "Oh," replies Gerry, "He'll have the fish."

Three freestate army soldiers sensing a few quid decide to go about looking for compensation for "being deaf". The first soldier went into the doctors office and stood to attention,the doctors says "close the door" which he does and the doctors replies "you closed the door,your not deaf at all" The second soldier falls for the same trap and as the third soldier was waiting outside the second soldier says "when the doctor asks you to close the door, dont do it." The third soldier nods and walks into the office. The doctor looks up sensing another fraud and says "close the door," to which the 3rd soldier replies "close the fvcking door yourself!"

At the height of a political corruption tribunal, the prosecuting barrister attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand euro to compromise the work of this tribunal?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand euro to compromise this investigation?" the barrister repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Mary Harney was taking a tour of a Dublin hospital and a doctor was explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her. Eventually, they pass an open room in an inpatient ward, where Mary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Mary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here?" The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Mary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on. A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Mary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation. "It's very simple Ms. Harney", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he is on private health insurance."